


worse sights than this

by Quintessence



Series: bad things happen bingo requests [2]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Chimera Ant Arc, Reunion Fic, Suicidal Thoughts, giving gon the love he deserves, honestly just got fed up w incredibly bad chimera ant arc takes, this is my strongly worded letter about why everyone needs to let up on the gon bashing, this is the fandom hill i choose to die on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23098090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quintessence/pseuds/Quintessence
Summary: Be strong, saith my heart; I am a soldier; / I have seen worse sights than this.“It had to be fair, you know?  I knew that from the moment I saw Kite’s body, torn apart and sewn back together over and over again.  I had to do some sort of penance for that.  I had to make up for what I’d done.  I had to.  I needed pain.  A lot of it.  Maybe enough…”Gon takes a deep breath.“Maybe enough that I wouldn’t make it out in one piece.”In which things long unspoken finally come to light.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Series: bad things happen bingo requests [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653457
Comments: 82
Kudos: 458





	worse sights than this

**Author's Note:**

> YES i quoted homer in the summary to my shounen anime fanfiction NO not a single person can stop me
> 
> anyway, this was a bad things happen bingo request from vriskarlmarx on tumblr. they asked for killugon & nightmares & i already had a 10k killua nightmare fic, so i figured some gon nightmares were in order!!!! it was also a great excuse to put down some ideas/hcs about the chimera ant arc that had been floating around my brain for a good while.
> 
> PLEASE NOTE that there is some pretty explicit discussion of suicidal ideation in this fic. if you think that'll be too upsetting to read, it's okay to pass this one over.
> 
> i think that's all for me for rn, so pls enjoy!!!!!!

It really wasn’t too difficult. The reunion.

Killua had built it up in his head, made it into this enormous, insurmountable obstacle, full of stilted conversation and too-long silences and quick, aborted glances. But it hadn’t gone like that at all. No, Gon had seen Killua from across the street and shouted his name, joyful and delighted, and ran right into traffic, car horns honking and drivers shouting profanity, to get to Killua. And he’d thrown himself into Killua’s arms so hard that the two of them toppled to the ground and the other pedestrians on the sidewalk had clicked their tongues in disapproval and Gon had just laughed and laughed.

And the rest of it went just as smoothly. They picked up right where they left off, with those pointless competitions they always goaded each other into and the good natured teasing and the boundless joy and excitement. It was all so blissfully, breathlessly, wonderfully easy, like they hadn’t been apart longer than a day, like all that had happened on that one night, the one seared into Killua’s memory, the one he’d replayed in his mind a thousand times, had never occured.

Or at least it wasn’t too difficult until about a week and a half in, when Killua awakens to Gon tossing and crying out in his sleep, clearly in the throes of a nightmare.

The temporary apartment they’re renting only has one bedroom--it’s all the two of them could afford--with two twin beds crammed into a very small room, so Killua can’t help but be awoken by Gon’s distressed whimpering and muttering. The sound only grows in intensity and volume, Gon’s tossing and turning beginning to border on violent, until at last, he bolts up in bed with a gasp.

For a moment, Killua considers saying nothing. He doesn’t want to embarrass Gon, not when this trust they’re rebuilding is already so fragile and delicate. He doesn’t want to cross some tacit, sacred boundary. But when Gon takes a shuddery, stuttering breath and Killua knows from that sound alone that he’s begun crying, he can’t simply lie there and ignore it.

“Gon?” Killua says, sitting up and placing his feet on the floor with a soft thump _. _

Gon takes another shaky breath.

“Sorry,” he says. “Did I wake you?” 

His voice sounds so small and so fragile and so in an instant, Killua is at his side, sitting next to him on the bed.

Killua desperately wishes he were better at this. The comforting and the soothing and the kindness--those were far more Gon’s domain than Killua’s. If their roles were reversed, Gon would know exactly what to say to calm Killua down again. He’d know on instinct if touching Killua would comfort or repel him. If it were Killua who were hurting, no doubt Gon would know what to do in an instant.

“Sorry,” Gon says again, wiping roughly at his eyes with the back of his hand. “I’m fine. I’m just being stupid. You can go back to bed if you want.”

“Not a chance,” Killua says, equal parts firm and tender. He turns towards Gon on the bed, settling his legs on top and crossing them in front of himself. “It sounded bad. Do you want to talk about it?”

For a long moment, Gon’s quiet.

“It’s stupid,” Gon says at last, sounding so old and so tired. “We don’t have to get into it.”

“It sure didn’t sound stupid. It sounded pretty awful, actually. I’m not going to make you talk about it if you don’t want, but if you do, I want to listen.”

Gon runs a hand through his hair, trailing down the back of his neck, before bringing his hand to rest in his lap.

“It was just old stuff. Memories. From everything that happened. When we were thirteen. You know, all that stuff.”

Killua pauses. They haven’t mentioned it, not since they’ve reunited. They haven’t talked about how Gon had tried to kill himself and how Killua had run with his dying body cradled in his arms, weeping and gasping and praying for Gon to be okay, please, just hold out a little longer, please be okay,  _ please  _ stay alive. It had seemed too fraught, too bound up in old wounds and unacknowledged pain, too complicated. But Killua supposes they couldn’t avoid it forever, not really. One way or another, this conversation was bound to happen eventually.

“I guess I just want to apologize for what I said to you,” Gon begins, not meeting Killua’s eyes. “When I said it, about how it meant nothing to you, I knew how much it would hurt you. I knew exactly how terrible you’d feel when you heard that. And that was the point. It wasn’t meant to be cruel. It was supposed to be a kindness, actually. I figured if I made you angry enough with me, it would hurt you less when…”

Gon trails off and Killua’s stomach clenches in a manner that borders on painful.

“When what?” he asks, despite having a sickening suspicion about the answer.

For a moment, Gon's quiet.

“It had to be fair, you know? I knew that from the moment I saw Kite’s body, torn apart and sewn back together over and over again. I had to do some sort of penance for that. I had to make up for what I’d done. I had to. I needed pain. A lot of it. Maybe enough…”

Gon takes a deep breath.

“Maybe enough that I wouldn’t make it out in one piece.”

Killua suddenly feels sick and awful and hot all over. He’d had his suspicions, of course. He’d known, perhaps without admitting it, that there was simple recklessness and then there was a genuine death wish and that Gon had leaned rather dangerously in one direction. But to hear him say it aloud, his voice just a small, quiet thing, hits Killua unlike any blow he’d ever received.

“And then, when I found out what happened to Kite, that he was dead, I knew it had to be worse. Worse than what I had planned upon.” The words come tumbling out just a bit too fast, as if Gon can’t allow himself to stop and dwell on them, as if he has to push through as quickly as he can for fear of losing his nerve. “I realized I couldn’t just get hurt. I couldn’t just die. I had to destroy every last part of myself. I had to do something unforgivable. That way you wouldn’t grieve for me. You’d be furious. You’d know in your heart that I deserved what I got. That would be fair. I shouldn’t have the privilege of being mourned. So killing Pitou, that didn’t really matter. That wasn’t the point. The point was doing something so horrible that you’d hate me even after I’d died.”

“Gon,” Killua says softly, his name oddly bittersweet in Killua’s mouth. “You have to realize I’d never hate you. It doesn’t matter what you did. You could betray me a thousand times over and I’d never hate you.”

Gon makes a strange, half-choked noise. A sob, Killua realizes.

“I know, Killua. I know that now. And I just can’t stand it. Because you should. You should hate me. The fact that you don’t, it just isn’t fair.”

Killua reaches out a hand and places it atop Gon’s, hoping the weight and warmth of it is comforting somehow. Gon doesn’t pull back. Small victories, Killua supposes.

“Can you help me understand? Why am I supposed to hate you? What have you done that I’m supposed to hold against you?”

Gon at last looks up at Killua, eyes wide and dark and over-bright.

“Everything. Everything I did. Pushing you away. Saying something cruel to you. And trying to die, because that was so selfish. I can’t imagine what that must’ve felt like for you, to see me like that, with my arm torn off and moments away from dying, but it had to have been horrible. It was such an awful thing to do to you that I can’t even describe it. So you should hate me for that. And for letting Kite die. And for causing you so much pain, time and again. All of it. You shouldn’t forgive me for any of it.”

With a sudden agonizing lurch in his chest, Killua reaches out his other hand and cradles Gon’s hand between both of his own. Gon’s palm is sweaty and sticky and hot but Killua just squeezes tight.

“You hear yourself, right?” Killua says, urgent and gentle all at once. “Everything you’re saying. You hear yourself saying that you felt responsible for someone’s death. That you didn’t just want to hurt yourself for that, you didn’t just want to die, but that you wanted to be hated after you were gone. That’s how guilty you felt. You felt so awful that killing yourself wasn’t enough of a punishment. Do you understand that, really?  _ Killing yourself wasn’t enough _ . No, you had to make sure to die in a way that everyone who’d ever cared about you would hate you. That’s what you felt was right. Was deserved. You’re hearing all that, right?”

Gon’s hand trembles in Killua’s and he simply nods.

“Okay, now remember all that. And then realize that you were  _ thirteen years old.  _ Gon, you were a  _ kid _ . You were a  _ child _ . Sure, you were a Hunter. Sure, you’d done all these impressive, amazing things and it would be easy to forget that. But the fact remains that you were a child and you were in the middle of a goddamn warzone. And you were so traumatized and guilty and overwhelmed that you wanted to hurt yourself in the worst way imaginable. You thought you deserved that. Do you hear how completely insane that sounds? You were a kid. You had no business feeling something like that. You had no business going through what you did. Nearly every adult I know wouldn’t have been able to handle what happened to you. You’ve got to cut yourself a little bit of slack, because you were a child. And you did the best you could.”

“But--”

"No, Gon, listen to me, okay?” Killua interrupts. “Listen to what I'm about to tell you. It wasn't your fault. None of it. Not Kite's death, not the war. Hell, even the stuff you did do was just because you were a kid who got in way over his head. You didn't deserve to die." 

Killua can't help how his voice breaks on that last word because it just kills him, the thought of Gon believing that, believing death was the only reasonable punishment.

"You didn't deserve to die and you certainly didn't deserve to be hated. I need you to understand that. You didn't deserve this twisted, horrible punishment you'd convinced yourself was fair. You deserved guidance and comfort and understanding. You deserved help." Killua draws in a shaky breath. "But you absolutely did not deserve to die."

For a moment, they're perfectly silent and still, not moving, not speaking, hardly even daring to breathe. And then all at once, Gon just breaks. His face crumples and he lets out this anguished sob and he throws himself into Killua's arms. And Killua simply holds Gon tight to his chest as he shakes harder and harder.

"Shh," Killua soothes. "It's okay. I'm right here. I've got you."

Gon draws in a shaky, desperate breath, like a man drowning.

"Thank you," he manages between sobs. "Thank you for being so kind. Thank you for forgiving me."

Gon is suddenly so very small and delicate and fragile in his arms and Killua just squeezes him tighter.

"There wasn't anything to forgive," he murmurs into Gon's hair. "You understand? Nothing. Not a single goddamn thing."

If Gon’s a man drowning, Killua supposes, he’s the person aboard the life raft. He’s the person reaching into the frigid water and pulling Gon to safety, the person rubbing warmth back into blue fingertips, the person offering a hot drink and a thick blanket and a few words of comfort. If Gon’s a man drowning, then this time around, Killua will finally be the one who gets him ashore.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so very much for reading!!!!!! no pressure to comment, but if you do pls know i will be beyond delighted & will definitely reply!!!!! also i am always available to scream about hxh via [tumblr](https://storybookprincess.tumblr.com/)


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